Alone again.
Down the halls I went. Around corners, through doors, blurry faces whipping by. I had that stupid little hat they put on you...you know the one. The one that makes your head look like a gauzy mushroom. A blue hair net of sorts. Heaven forbid if a strand of hair makes it from my head to my abdomen and gets sewn up inside! Sheesh.
The tears never stopped coming. I think I even had a wee bit of a panic attack thrown in there just for fun. I was transferred to the operating table, things were hooked up and there were more people in the room. This was definitely a new experiece as I had always been asleep during my other surgeries. I certainly had never been awake long enough to be able to notice people's faces or things in the room, much less the entire procedure.
And why is it that they stretch your arms out to the side and strap 'em down? I wondered if that's how Jesus felt. I guess they were expecting me to flail my arms in a wild panic or something. By that time, I just felt defeated. Nothing about my labor had gone as I had wanted and now I was having a c-section. The tears kept running down the sides of my face, my breath started to catch. Hyperventilating wasn't too far away at this rate.
I searched the room for my husband, wanting him there. NEEDING him to be there with me. I knew he had the bunny suit and knew he was going to be there, but I didn't see him anywhere. I think that's really where the panic started to sink in. I knew he wasn't going to let me do this alone, but at that point in time, I was still very much alone.
Finally, he was there. He sat on the stool next to my head and held my hand. My breathing slowed just a fraction, but the tears were still flowing. All I could say to my husband was "I don't want this. This isn't how it's supposed to be." (Ugh, I'm tearing up just thinking about it.) He kept saying, "I know, I know."
The rest was pretty much a blur. They gave the local anesthetic and the nurse gave a play by play of everything that was happening or going to happen. So when she said they were going to start the incision, I certainly didn't expect to feel it. I'll be damned if I did though. I let out a whimper and the nurse asked what was wrong. I told her it hurt, and she stopped the doc. They gave it another minute and sliced away.
As Sky likes to tell it, when doing a c-section, the doctor "unpacks you like a suitcase." Apparently all my guts and innards were in my lap as doc made his way to my uterus. I, of course, didn't feel a thing between the local anesthetic and the epidural. Soon, I felt the tugging sensation the nurse said I would feel. And they tugged and tugged. I swear it was like that story "The Enormous Turnip" where it took several people to pull the damn thing out the ground.
Then, as Austyn took her first breaths, I heard the cry of my baby girl. I cursed the damn blue curtain that hid everything from my view. I wanted to see my baby girl. I NEEDED to see her. The tears flowed faster as I heard her wailing on the other side of the room. Not being able to see her was torture. All I wanted was my baby.
I heard them call out her weight - 7 pounds and 11 ounces. The first thing I said to Sky was, "She's a gas station!" Eventually, they brought her to him and he held her next to me so I could finally see her angry little face. (Hell, I'd be angry, too. Being pulled out like that. I'm sure she was nice and cozy.) All I could do was touch her sweet little face with a finger. I wanted desperately to hold her. And because I couldn't, I cried some more.
It seemed like it took forever for them to put me back together, get me cleaned up and on my way to the recovery room. I cried the entire time. Sky had already left to go show my parents our sweet little miracle and I was alone again. (I had had enough of being alone dammit!) Finally, I made it to the recovery room. The nurse asked if I wanted my baby and before she could finish her question, I was already saying "YES!" Sky came in with our daughter and I finally got to hold her, an hour after they took her from my womb. That skin to skin contact was the best feeling in the world. I finally had her in my arms and no one was taking her away from me again.
I just stared at her little face, her peanut head (she really was stuck), and all that hair. You could clearly see my features in her little pudgy face. I was surprised. I had expected her to be all wrinkly and smooshed. I guess that's the upside of a c-section, the babies don't get all smooshed on their way out. Everything about her was perfect, from her black hair to her little mouth to her long fingers and her little monkey toes. All appendages were present and accounted for and there were no extras hanging about either. A perfect baby.
Aside from a little jaundice, Austyn was in perfect health and after three days, we were finally released to go home. We packed everything up, loaded up the car, secured the baby, and we were off! Three days earlier, I had walked in that hospital alone. We left the hospital that day as a family. My family. (Awww...cheesy ending!)
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