Reflections

So, there's my birth story.  Who knew it would be so long?  Ha ha ha.

When I think about Austyn's birth, I feel a mixture of happiness, pride, and disappointment.  I feel cheated out of the whole experience.  I know that things don't always go as you plan them, but in this situation, I feel that there were several things that could have been done differently that would have led to a different outcome.

First, I wish my doctor had been a little more personable and that we had actually discussed what I wanted as far as my birth plan.  Unless I initiated the conversations, we never really discussed my birth plan or any of that stuff.  He was always so brusque and to the point.  He never asked if I had had any questions.  I suppose part of that is because of his personality, but at the same time, as a doctor, you'd think that would be something that he would discuss with his patients.  I know I should have said more than I did, but I suppose I was ignorant in my thinking that I still had another week or so to go and I would be able to discuss it then.

Secondly, I should have told the nurse to stop the pitocin.  I had already made up my mind that I didn't want any pitocin during labor.  Between all the documentaries and research that I had read up on, I had decided I didn't want to risk it and have them use the pitocin unnecessarily.  I mean, my water had broken, contractions were going, why on earth did they feel the need to "speed up" my labor?  I really think that if they hadn't used the pitocin, my labor would have progressed as it should have and I would have had the vaginal birth that I wanted.  I think in my nervousness of being in labor and being alone, I just went with what was going on.

Last, I wish I had waited a bit longer on the epidural.  I wasn't quite at 5 cm when I had the epidural, so I really wasn't in any discomfort the entire labor.  I did feel the pressure as the contractions got worse as I dilated to 6 and 7 cm, but nothing that was too terrible.  Perhaps I would have decided that I didn't need the epidural at all. Three months after having Austyn, I've noticed a dull ache in my back where the epidural was placed.  Some days are worse than others, but it's really rather annoying.  As if I didn't already have enough aches and pains.

So, my advice to all you future mommies is this:  SPEAK UP.  Don't be a turd like I was and tell your doctor what you want, what you expect, and how you want YOUR labor to go.  It's your labor, not theirs.  I think if I had been more outspoken about these things, I would have had a different birth story.  Go figure, me, of all people, not speaking up about something.  I was a weenie.  I thought I had more time, I thought the doctor knew best.  I was a little scared at the whole prospect of giving birth and then when I realized I was cheated out of the experience, I wanted to kick myself for being such a chicken shit about it.  So speak up!  Do your research, make your birth plan and don't be afraid to stand up for you, your baby, and your labor.

For our next Neiman, I'm going to search for a doctor who is open to VBAC's (vaginal birth after cesarean) and is more personable.  I'm not going to make the same mistakes I made with Austyn's birth.  I'm going to follow my own advice and speak up...like I should have in the first place.